Getting along with your in-laws can be hard, especially when your personal goals and cultural expectations don’t match up. In today’s story, a woman talks about how she stood up for herself and pursued a career despite the traditional expectations of her husband’s family.

She told us what happened.
It looks like my husband comes from a “traditional” family. Mom stays at home and works full-time, and dad is the only one who makes money. My mother taught me early on that I should never depend on a man for money, which is the opposite of what most people think.

My husband worked hard to undo the values that he saw taught to him at home. He did (often more than) his share around the house, was a good father, and was a real partner. The thing that bothers me the most is how much importance he gives to what his family thinks. It’s normal to want our parents to be proud of us, but this is too much.

We have my in-laws over for two weeks. Every day, I make breakfast, my husband makes dinner, and we all eat lunch at work or school. Our cleaner is on vacation right now, so we’re doing the cleaning ourselves. While she’s gone, it’s up to each person to keep their own space clean, and we all clean the common areas. We’ve always done it this way, and it works.

They don’t like that I’m “one of those modern women.” They don’t like that I work or that being a wife and mother doesn’t give me direction. They also don’t like that my husband does his part at home. When we first met, we were very honest. I set my limits and told them I wouldn’t be criticized for how I live my life at home. I follow their rules and act like their daughter-in-law when I’m at their house. Most of the time, they have respected this.

I was tired and hungry when I got home from work yesterday. I get home around 18:15 or 1930, and we eat at 19:00. I quickly said hello and ran up to take a shower before dinner. When I got home, I went to the kitchen to help get ready for dinner but there was nothing there.

I asked my husband what was going on, but he wouldn’t look at me. His mother told me that he hadn’t cooked anything. It was my job as a wife, she told me, to cook for my family. My weak-willed husband still wasn’t looking at me.

I walked away and ordered food to go. My kids and I sat down at the table to eat what I made. My husband and his parents worked and then came to eat with us.

My mother-in-law kept telling me what was wrong with me and how foolish I was. My husband was asked if he had something to say. I should act “more like a proper woman” and “take better care of my home and children,” he said, because his mother was right. He said that traditions are there for a reason and that it was rude of me to think I was too good for the way he was raised.

This is where I could be a jerk. As a matter of fact, I told him that a man making $35,000 a year can’t support a family of five, and he was too poor to be racist. I saw tears coming out of his eyes because he looked hurt. He told everyone he was leaving the table.

It was too much for me to handle him saying that to me while I was cleaning up his mess and dealing with his parents. I feel bad saying it in front of our kids.

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