Whether or not a couple will take each other’s last name can have big cultural and personal effects. But when this choice turns into a fight for power and control, it turns from a deeply personal one into one that causes trouble and conflict.

One woman told her story on the web.

My boyfriend (m25) and I (f23) got engaged in December of last year. It came as a big surprise that we got engaged, since we had only been dating for two years. I agreed, though, because I love him and can’t picture my future without him.

There have been many wedding-related conversations between us since we got engaged, and I’ve told him many times that I’d rather keep my maiden name than take his. This is because my parents never had any sons, and I am their only child. I want my kids to be able to choose which last name they want to use, or both. I want to keep the family name going for my parents. Everything I said to my fiancé was taken into account, and he reassured me that he understood my choice.

As the wedding date got closer, the cake planner called me last night about our cake, which we had designed with him a few weeks before. He told us that he had a sample ready for us to look at, so the next morning we drove there to try it.

I must say I was a little surprised when he pulled out the cake. It said “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” which is my husband’s last name, on top of it. I asked him to fix it for the final wedding cake for our two-week wedding because I thought it was an accident (I had told him to only write “Mr. and Mrs.” on the cake). He told me that my fiancé had called him early yesterday morning and asked him to add “Smith” on top of the previous initials.

On the way home, my fiancé told me that he didn’t want me to keep my last name and that he had talked to his mother two days before and she told him that agreeing to my wishes would be “feminine, weak, and woke,” and that he would be setting himself up for a bad marriage. I learned from talking to the other people planning the wedding that he also told his mother to change the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. so they all said “Mrs. and Mr. Smith” instead of our separate last names.

I told him after our fight that I would cancel the wedding if he didn’t do what I wanted, and that I didn’t want his mother to come to the ceremony either way. Since he moved out, he won’t talk to me. Was I wrong?

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