When a loved one is going through a hard time, it’s normal to want to show support and solidarity in different ways. But things get more complicated when these requests go against our personal boundaries and sense of who we are. In this story, a wife is having a hard time deciding if she should shave her head to show support for her cancer-stricken mother-in-law. At the same time, she is dealing with her own feelings and level of comfort.
“Hi there, I need your opinion on this.”
There are two beautiful children between my husband (M35) and me (F32). We’ve been married for six years. I’ve always done my best to be there for my husband and his family because I love them. My mother-in-law was just recently told she has lung cancer. We’re all putting our arms around her to give her the support she needs during this tough time. Something about this has really affected my husband, and he’s been doing everything he can to make her feel loved and safe. Mark hasn’t had hair on his head since he was in his early 20s.
This is where things get tricky. My husband came up to me the other day with a doubtful look on his face.
“Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking,” he said slowly at first. “Since mom has started chemotherapy and her hair’s falling out, I thought… maybe you could shave your head in solidarity with her.”
My heart started beating fast, and I was shocked. “Mark, I love your mom and want to do everything I can to help her.” But shaving my head is a big choice. It’s not just about how I look; it’s also about who I am and how confident I feel. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.”
I could see the sadness in Mark’s eyes as his face fell. He said quietly, “Please, just think about it,” and then he left the room.
I chose what to do the next day. I just couldn’t shave my head. Mark was sitting on the couch when I got there, so I joined him.
“Mark, I’ve thought about it a lot and I just can’t do it.” I want to do everything I can to help your mom, but I can’t shave my head right now.
He was very angry, and his face turned red. He yelled, “Why can’t you just do this one thing for my mom?!” His voice rang through the house.
My eyes started to tear up. I said, “I’m sorry,” in a low voice as I left the room.
Mark didn’t say anything when he left the house the next day. He’s been staying with his brother since then, and we’ve only sent each other a few short texts. Going over the conversation in my head over and over makes me wonder if I’m being selfish and not helpful.
Even worse, Mark’s sister shaved her head to show support for her mother, which made me feel even worse about what I did.
Should I shave my head for my mother-in-law, or am I being wrong?
I need your opinion on a tough choice I’m having to make. My mother-in-law is getting treatment for cancer, and I’ve been asked to shave my head to show my support. Even though I want to help, I’m not sure if I can say yes to this request. What do you believe I should do?
Sincerely,
Erin”
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